July 19, 200421 yr Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder... 3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't. Why is "abbreviation" such a long word? Don't use a big word where a diminutive one will suffice. ..Every morning is the dawn of a new error... A flying saucer results when a nudist spills his coffee. For people who like peace and quiet: a phoneless cord. I can see clearly now, the brain is gone... Mental Floss prevents Moral Decay. Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change. I'd explain it to you, but your brain would explode. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again? I don't have a solution but I admire the problem. If at first you DO succeed, try not to look astonished! If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too? If things get any worse, I'll have to ask you to stop helping me. Demons are a Ghouls best Friend. Copywight 1994 Elmer Fudd. All wights wesewved. Dain bramaged. Headline: Bear takes over Disneyland in Pooh D'Etat! What has four legs and an arm? A happy pit bull. Cannot find REALITY.SYS. Universe halted. COFFEE.EXE Missing - Insert Cup and Press Any Key Computers make very fast, very accurate mistakes. Computers are not intelligent. They only think they are. My software never has bugs. It just develops random features. C:\WINDOWS C:\WINDOWS\GO C:\PC\CRAWL C:\DOS C:\DOS\RUN RUN\DOS\RUN <-------- The information went data way -------- > Best file compression around: "DEL *.*" = 100% compression The Definition of an Upgrade: Take old bugs out, put new ones in. BREAKFAST.COM Halted...Cereal Port Not Responding The name is Baud......, James Baud. BUFFERS=20 FILES=15 2nd down, 4th quarter, 5 yards to go! Access denied--nah nah na nah nah! C:\ Bad command or file name! Go stand in the corner. Bad command. Bad, bad command! Sit! Stay! Staaay.. Why doesn't DOS ever say "EXCELLENT command or filename!" As a computer, I find your faith in technology amusing. Southern DOS: Y'all reckon? (Yep/Nope) Backups? We don' *NEED* no steenking backups. E Pluribus Modem .. File not found. Should I fake it? (Y/N) Definition of Ethernet: Something used to catch the Etherbunny Headline reads 'World Wide Web broken: Spiderman at large' A mainframe: The biggest PC peripheral available. An error? Impossible! My modem is error correcting. CONGRESS.SYS Corrupted: Re-boot Washington D.C (Y/n)? Does fuzzy logic tickle? A computer's attention span is as long as its power cord. 11th commandment - Covet not thy neighbor's Pentium. 24 hours in a day...24 beers in a case...coincidence? Disinformation is not as good as datinformation. Windows: Just another pane in the glass. SENILE.COM found . . . Out Of Memory . . . Who's General Failure & why's he reading my disk? Ultimate office automation: networked coffee. RAM disk is NOT an installation procedure. Shell to DOS...Come in DOS, do you copy? Shell to DOS... All computers wait at the same speed. DEFINITION: Computer - A device designed to speed and automate errors. Smash forehead on keyboard to continue..... Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue... ASCII stupid question, get a stupid ANSI! E-mail returned to sender -- insufficient voltage. Help! I'm modeming... and I can't hang up!!! Error: Keyboard not attached. Press F1 to continue. "640K ought to be enough for anybody." - Bill Gates, 1981 DOS Tip #17: Add DEVICE=FNGRCROS.SYS to CONFIG.SYS Hidden DOS secret: add BUGS=OFF to your CONFIG.SYS Press any key... no, no, no, NOT THAT ONE! Press any key to continue or any other key to quit... Excuse me for butting in, but I'm interrupt-driven. REALITY.SYS corrupted: Reboot universe? (Y/N/Q) Sped up my XT; ran it on 220v! Works greO?_~" Error reading FAT record: Try the SKINNY one? (Y/N) Read my chips: No new upgrades! Hit any user to continue. 2400 Baud makes you want to get out and push!! I hit the CTRL key but I'm still not in control! Will the information superhighway have any rest stops? Disk Full - Press F1 to belch. Backup not found: (A)bort ®etry (T)hrowup Backup not found: (A)bort ®etry (P)anic (A)bort, ®etry, (T)ake down entire network? (A)bort, ®etry, (G)et a beer? If debugging is the process of removing bugs, then programming must be the process of putting them in. Programmers don't die, they just GOSUB without RETURN. Programmer - A red-eyed, mumbling mammal capable of conversing with inanimate objects. Real programmers don't document. If it was hard to write, it should be hard to understand
July 19, 200421 yr Author Below is a list of definitions Washington Post readers submitted in their annual contest. 1: Coffee (n.), a person who is coughed upon. 2: Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have gained. 3: Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach. 4: Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk. 5: Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent. 6: Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nighty. 7: Lymph (v.), To walk with a lisp. 8: Gargoyle (n.), an olive-flavored mouthwash. 9: Flatulence (n.), the emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller. 10: Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline. 11: Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam. 12: Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified demeanor assumed by a proctologist immediately before he examines you. 13: Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddish expressions. 14: Circumvent (n.), the opening in the front of boxer shorts. 15: Frisbeetarianism (n.), The belief that, when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck there. 16: Pokemon (n.), A Jamaican proctologist.
July 19, 200421 yr Author Twenty children's books you'll never see on a parent's wish list for Christmas. You are different and that's bad. Pop goes the hamster... and other great microwave games. What is that dog doing to that other dog? The Hardy Boys, the Barbie Twins and the Vice Squad. Barbar meets the taxidermist. Testing home made parachutes using household pets. Garfield gets feline leukemia. The Kids' Guide to hitchhiking. The pop-up book of human anatomy. Things rich kids have, but you never shall. The Care Bears maul some campers and are shot dead. The boy who died from eating all his vegetables. Controlling the Playground: Respect through fear. You were an accident. Some Kittens can fly! Daddy drinks because you cry. Curious George and the high voltage fence. How to become the dominant military power in your primary school. Mr. Fork and Ms. Electrical Point become friends. Start an estate agency with the change from your mums purse.
July 19, 200421 yr Author ACTUAL SENTENCES FOUND ON PATIENTS' HOSPITAL CHARTS Proves that those medical folks are right on top of things. When you're pushed for time, it is so easy to write a note and not take the time to reread and correct. 1. She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states that she was very hot in bed last night. 2. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year. 3. On the second day the knee was better, and on the third day it disappeared. 4. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed. 5. The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993. 6. Discharge status: Alive but without my permission. 7. Healthy appearing decrepit 69 year old male, mentally alert but forgetful. 8. The patient refused autopsy. 9. The patient has no previous history of suicides. 10. Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital. 11. Patient's medical history has been remarkably insignificant, with only 40 pound weight gain in the past three days. 12. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch. 13. Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant. 14. Since she can't get pregnant with her husband, I thought you might like to work her up. 15. She is numb from her toes down. 16. While in ER, she was examined, X-rated and sent home. 17. The skin was moist and dry. 18. Occasional, constant infrequent headaches. 19. Patient was alert and unresponsive. 20. Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid. 21. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life, until she got a divorce. 22. I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy. 23. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation. 24. Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized. 25. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function. 26. The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as a stockbroker instead. 27. Skin: somewhat pale but present. 28. The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor. 29. Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. Blank, who felt we should sit on the abdomen and I agree. 30. Large brown stool ambulating in the hall. 31. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.
July 19, 200421 yr Windows 64, is a 64 bit program, based on a 32bit OS, programmed on a 16bit Computer, that has an 8bit processor with 4Bit memory interface by a 2Bit company who doesnt have one bit of sense!!!
July 19, 200421 yr lol, thats 10 minutes of my life I'm never getting back...O well, they were pretty funny
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